Today is Wednesday, December 12, 2012 and I'm free of that horrible medication! Actually, about 2 weeks after my last post I just stopped taking it. Dealt with withdrawals but not as debilitating as the last time I tried. I feel so much healthier and I'm ready to be active again and live life.
Unfortunately, my body pain has increased immensely. I have moments when I just cry from frustration because the pain is exasperating. It's not like your knee hurts sometimes or you get random little pains here and there. No, you hurt and ache all over and then on top of that your get stabbings, pinches, joint pain...even to the point of actually collapsing on the stairs because your knees decide to flip out. I get exhausted from just little things.
The other day I was watching my husband hangs lights for my mom. I was standing there for about 30 seconds, yes seconds, and all I wanted to do was sit down and rest my legs and back. I starting thinking, "did God really make our bodies to not be able to even stand there for a few seconds? Is this normal? Is my mom feeling the same thing right now? Is it hurting my husband to be on that ladder? Am I just a wimp?" Then I remember, I didn't used to hurt this much and get exhausted so easily, This is different. Not age or weight, this is a disease.
On the couch, crying and frustrated with myself, my oldest daughter came to me and said, "Mom, I just want you to know, whatever happens with your fibromyalgia, whether it gets better or not, I will love you." While I love her intentions in what she was saying and her tender heart in that moment, it crushed me to know that she ever had to process that kind of information through her mind and heart about me.
Face in my hands, tears flowing like a river, "Why!?" I asked God. "Take this from me, I cannot do this anymore! This pain in my heart is greater than that of my body; this I cannot do." Quickly, I remembered that this disease had been entrusted to me and God was creating a story, something that would bring Him glory, that I couldn't yet see. Soon after, I heard Him speak through scripture.
I came across a verse, Jeremiah 15:16-18 "When your words turned up, I feasted on them; and they became my joy, the delight of my heart, because I belong to you, LORD God of heavenly forces. I didn't join the festive occasions; I took no delight in them. I sat alone because your hand was upon me and you filled me with curses. Why am I always in pain? Why is my wound incurable, so far beyond healing? You have become for me as unreliable as a spring gone dry!"
Wow, never before had I read a verse that actually ended with someone making such claims to God; they always seem to end with hope and understanding that God will come through. Let me back up a little and give you some context about the scripture. Jeremiah was a prophet of God in the old testament. God's people, Israel, were turning their backs on God and Jeremiah was hated by the people because he remained devoted to the LORD and spoke God's words. This part of scripture is a dialogue between Jeremiah and God about the nation of Israel. While throughout the conversation Jeremiah addresses God regarding Israel and God responds with what the nation needs to do, here in this small portion of that conversation Jeremiah addresses God about a personal issue. He is complaining about how he has remained devoted and faithful and as a result hated. He goes on to complain about always being in pain and having an incurable wound. He blames God for not being healed and actually calls Him unreliable.
I don't know what kind of wound/pain he had....physical or emotional, all I know is that he is upset with God about it to the point of feeling like God is unreliable to him. I continued on to read God's response to such claims and found that He doesn't even address them. He speaks only to Jeremiah about Israel. This struck me as kind of odd and rude, Jeremiah, God's prophet, had a real personal problem and God just ignored it! So, I know my God cares deeply about each of His children and wants us to come to Him with all our thoughts and feelings; so why ignore Jeremiah's?
Here is what was revealed to me. While God loved Jeremiah, there was something larger at stake, something of greater importance. A picture that Jeremiah couldn't see yet.....something we today get to look back at and see just how important it was. Maybe God spoke to him at some other time regarding his pain; I don't know. What I do know is that God wasn't about to divert the conversation to satisfy Jeremiah's complaints or his ridiculous claim that God was unreliable. If Jeremiah only knew what God was planning through Jesus Christ. He was keeping the conversation focused on what needed to be done; there was a much larger picture being painted at the moment.
He knows I hurt but something bigger, something better is happening. Example, when I tell my daughter to clean her room and she begins to complain that she is tired and I must not care or love her because I'm making her clean her room; I don't even address her accusations, I simply say, "clean your room." I understand she's tired and doesn't want to have to clean up but it still needs done and I'm not going to allow her to distract me or herself with her claims of my not caring or loving her. Something needs done, I'm telling her to do it, she can rest after.
When I cry out to God for healing in my moments of frustration and all I here is "My grace is sufficient." Or, I hear nothing at all, I know that God is working on something bigger. A painting that is beyond my eyes. My God IS reliable! He will not leave me here. He will bring me rest, but first, there is a job to be done.