Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I've been weaning off a medication that helps with my pain; I've only been on it for 10 months and my body has formed a dependency to it. I'm not addicted.....I don't crave it at all, but my body is rejecting the idea of not having it. The withdrawals are horrible. I wish my previous doctor never gave me the medication to begin with. Would rather of dealt with increased pain over the past 10 months than what I've been dealing with now.
My new doctor is helping me through the process; she is great! My poor family has had to suffer through my changes and sickness from weaning off. I decided to take it much slower so that I don't feel the affects as drastically. Can't stand that other than the pain I was fine before the meds and now that I've taken them I'm not fine without them; I will get there though.
A few days after my last post God really spoke to my heart. He is so sweet and gentle with me even during my tantrums. Let me give you a visual of what happened in my heart. I was throwing a tantrum and complaining to my Father while He sat and listened to my cries. When I was done He gently lifted me onto His lap, brought His face down to mine and whispered into my ear "Natalie, I love you. I saw tomorrow and it's going to be good." To God be the glory!
Every time I feel a pain I say....sometimes out load, "for Your glory". Now, I certainly had a week recently where my attitude did not reflect this change of mind at all, but that is past and today is new. I don't understand why this process is for His glory but I do understand that I don't need to understand. I used to say "why me? Why do I have to go through this" and now I say "why me? Why have You chosen me to glorify You? Why do You bless me with the opportunity to bring You glory? I am nothing."
I saw this disease as an interruption in being able to be about His work but here is what I've learned.....It's exactly that, His work. It's not about my dreams and desires or the passions and callings He has given to me. It's about Him and what He wants to accomplish in and through me. How can I complain about things that were never mine to complain about? They are and have always been His; what a relief.
A movie I highly recommend, Facing the Giants. In this movie the main character is facing many "giants" in his life. He decides that in the good and the bad He will praise God. Something he says that will stick with me and free me from myself forever is "I resolve to give me best to God and leave the results up to Him." I love it! This is my resolve. This is my reality and I will live it with all that I am for God. What happens next is up to Him, I just have to live. Here I don't just survive but rather I thrive.
My "giants" aren't so scary when I know all I can and have to do is throw the stone; God directs its path. So, by faith I will face my giants. I will throw myself into His arms. I will quietly wait to hear His thunder. I will call upon the LORD, Who is worthy to be praised. So shall I be saved from my enemies (giants). He doesn't promise ease but He does promise peace.
In the Good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly....to God be the glory forever and ever, Amen.