Today is Friday June 14th 2013 and in the past couple of months I've been doing pretty good emotionally. I kept wondering why I hadn't had any real breakdowns of frustration and tears in a while and I knew it wasn't because I had less pain, that doesn't seem to really go away. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Okay, so yes, I still ache and hurt and all that fun stuff but why is it not bothering me as much? Why do I not seem to submit myself to the pain very often any more?
Didn't figure it out until this past Sunday at church. The Pastor was speaking on the topic of suffering, times in our lives when we feel that God's timing just isn't right; when we ask Him, "Why?" Man did this trigger memories for me. You could go back to the beginning of my blog and see me asking this very thing. It's only been in the past 6 or 7 months that I've truly let go of that question. Pastor went on to say that we often limit our questioning to "why". I would add that we don't just limit our questioning to "why" but that the simple question "why" limits us. What, How, and Who are the questions in my notes that we need to be asking in order to be "emotionally healthy spiritually".
What does God want to teach me through this experience? How can my trust in God, in the middle of my situation be influential in the lives of those around me? Who will I be able to help someday because of the situation I'm walking through right now? These were the questions the Pastor said were more healthy to be asking. I realized then, I had stepped from the "Why" to the "What, How , and Who" months ago.
This time, when hearing a message on trials/pain I wasn't about to burst into tears. I felt extreme peace, even happiness. I was coming from a different perspective, a different side of the emotional pain and confusion. A word kept coming into my mind, "Freedom!" I wrote it down in my notes and it hit me, I understood something I had never understood before. Fibromyalgia doesn't dictate my attitude, my emotions, or my spiritual state of mind; my questions do.
Yes, it's hard to feel as though your body is betraying you but what's worse is when you betray yourself by allowing a single question to limit you. I am FREE of that limitation! I don't know how I got here but I do know there was a process involved. I'm sure I could back and read all my post in order and see how this change came about. I'm glad I've been recording my experience on this blog so I can go back and look. I think it's good to be able to look back on times when we asked "why" and see how God was with us the whole time molding and shaping us.
I know how stuck you may feel if you are currently limited by a single question. I know how confusing, angry, frustrated, hurt, betrayed, and alone you feel when God's timing just seems so wrong. I understand that you will have times of denial, anger, bargaining or the what ifs, and depression, but on the other side of all that pain is acceptance. Not the kind of acceptance where you are defeated but the kind that brings you freedom. Freedom to change and grow. Freedom to not be focused on the negative happenings in your life. The freedom to be free of what really limits you.