Friday, June 14, 2013


Today is Friday June 14th 2013 and in the past couple of months I've been doing pretty good emotionally. I kept wondering why I hadn't had any real breakdowns of frustration and tears in a while and I knew it wasn't because I had less pain, that doesn't seem to really go away. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Okay, so yes, I still ache and hurt and all that fun stuff but why is it not bothering me as much? Why do I not seem to submit myself to the pain very often any more?

Didn't figure it out until this past Sunday at church. The Pastor was speaking on the topic of suffering, times in our lives when we feel that God's timing just isn't right; when we ask Him, "Why?" Man did this trigger memories for me. You could go back to the beginning of my blog and see me asking this very thing. It's only been in the past 6 or 7 months that I've truly let go of that question. Pastor went on to say that we often limit our questioning to "why". I would add that we don't just limit our questioning to "why" but that the simple question "why" limits us. What, How, and Who are the questions in my notes that we need to be asking in order to be "emotionally healthy spiritually".

What does God want to teach me through this experience? How can my trust in God, in the middle of my situation be influential in the lives of those around me? Who will I be able to help someday because of the situation I'm walking through right now? These were the questions the Pastor said were more healthy to be asking. I realized then, I had stepped from the "Why" to the "What, How , and Who" months ago.

This time, when hearing a message on trials/pain I wasn't about to burst into tears. I felt extreme peace, even happiness. I was coming from a different perspective, a different side of the emotional pain and confusion. A word kept coming into my mind, "Freedom!" I wrote it down in my notes and it hit me, I understood something I had never understood before. Fibromyalgia doesn't dictate my attitude, my emotions, or my spiritual state of mind; my questions do.

Yes, it's hard to feel as though your body is betraying you but what's worse is when you betray yourself by allowing a single question to limit you. I am FREE of that limitation! I don't know how I got here but I do know there was a process involved. I'm sure I could back and read all my post in order and see how this change came about. I'm glad I've been recording my experience on this blog so I can go back and look. I think it's good to be able to look back on times when we asked "why" and see how God was with us the whole time molding and shaping us.

I know how stuck you may feel if you are currently limited by a single question. I know how confusing, angry, frustrated, hurt, betrayed, and alone you feel when God's timing just seems so wrong. I understand that you will have times of denial, anger, bargaining or the what ifs, and depression, but on the other side of all that pain is acceptance. Not the kind of acceptance where you are defeated but the kind that brings you freedom. Freedom to change and grow. Freedom to not be focused on the negative happenings in your life. The freedom to be free of what really limits you.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


Today is Wednesday February 13, 2013 and I've been doing pretty well. I've had some hard days physically in the past month, which can lead to hard days emotionally, and I've had some good cries of frustration over the pain that just seems to rob me of what I think I should be capable of doing.

I really don't like having to ask my husband to clean the kids shower because I just cleaned ours and am laying on the bed crying while he rubs the pain from my back. He is so gracious and always willing to not only help me but to serve me in whatever capacity I need him to but, still, I would just like to not have to ask all the time for assistance in things I should be able to do on my own. This is hard, being so needy seems so unattractive to me. I thank God for giving me a husband whose love language is service. I sure do provide him plenty of opportunities to express that love to me.....makes you think that maybe God knows just what He's doing after all.

Recently, I was with a group of people and one of them asked me if I ever pray that God would just heal me of the Fibromyalgia. While yes, there was a time I used to pray for this, I had to answer, "no." I could see on the faces of those around me that they were a little taken back by my response. "Where is her faith?" I'm sure they must have thought. After a concerned, "Why?" I explained myself.

I have prayed that I would pray for God's will in this area of my life. I don't want to ask for anything that doesn't bring Him the most glory. I want most of all to glorify Him and while being healed would certainly do so, this was not the response I felt from Him. For some reason, beyond my understanding, having fibro at this time is what will bring Him the most glory from my life. God answered my prayer, I didn't hear some audible voice from the heavens or anything, just a pretty strong feeling. A sense of despair and disappointment did not accompany this feeling, but hope and peace.

God never promised physical healing here on earth. He never promised an easy road with even payment to drive along, but He did promise proper tires and shocks to travel the road we are on. The bumps, dips, hills, declines, and pot holes are still felt but the tires and shocks He provides smooth it all out a little. Makes the trip less obnoxious and uninviting. Peace, spiritual rest and encouragement, help, and comfort are just some of the ways God has made this road tolerable. These are His promises to me and I am secure in them. These are what I pray for and receive. Hope is the beginning and end to these promises. Hope that as each pot hole passes I will endure the next with more grace. I do not ask God to remove the pot holes from my life, just that I wouldn't pop a tire going over one.

Pot holes, or whatever you want to call them, are just apart of the road, life. But, there is something supernatural about how God can direct your attention to the destination rather than the road used to get there. He's pretty darn neat if I say so and credit must goes where credit is deserved.

He is growing me, changing me, and molding me into the woman He intends for me to be and right now that means I need to have fibromyalgia. If I ever feel Him telling me to pray for physical healing then I will but, for now I rest, I hope, I hold on to His promises.