Thursday, June 28, 2012

An Architect Without a Pen

Today is Thursday June 28, 2012. Having a hard time even finding the energy to write this. Past couple of weeks have not been good for me. I don't know what happened, I was doing so well. I feel as though my body is attacking itself. My muscles and my mind feel like they are degenerating. I feel so weak that the usual things are becoming difficult.

Folded laundry today and I felt like my arms were going to fall off...kinda like after a hard workout when your muscles are spent or when you've been sick a long time and you have no muscle strength. My legs aren't being kind either. I can hardly walk for a few minutes and I feel like I've just ran a marathon. Dropped a glass bowl while doing dishes today because I couldn't seem to get my fingers strong enough to grip it. Broke all over the kitchen floor and was in agony trying to sweep it up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I have felt so under attack lately. You see, I'm a visionary, a dreamer, one who sees beyond her reality and believes she can accomplish more than she actually can......or so it seems so far in my life. I'm frustrated because I did not make myself this way, God did, and yet He seemed to forget to give me the ability to fulfill those visions or dreams. I am angry by this. I can't have ideas and not be able to go through with them any more.

I truly believe that the ideas I have are not self seeking. I feel that they are self sacrificing and supposed to be glorifying to God. Why isn't He helping me? I'm an architect without a pen. The vision is there but the capability is not. I want to minister to children, I feel called to love children but I have little to no support physically. I want my husband to support me in this, to be on board and encourage me but the Lord didn't bless my husband with the gift of encouragement.

I do not mean to "bash" my husband at all here, he is exactly what I need in so many ways, but when it comes to my visionary personality he is my balance. When my mind is in the clouds he brings me back to the hard, rough, dirty ground. He is probably my number one discourage-er in all things related to my "ideas". This causes me to feel defeated, as if the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue aren't enough.

Selfish, a word I've been hearing lately. How can the things I do for others, or the things I want to do for others that bring no benefit to me be selfish? This is when I realize I'm under attack. When things are said to me that make no since and are used to crush me and cause me to want to give up on what is right, I know I'm under attack. When I finally release myself from trying to be "supermom" because in reality it is only hurting my children and myself and I'm told that I'm selfish and every action I've taken to do or to fix the "damage" I've caused by trying to be "supermom" is all about me......I know I'm under attack.

I want to do what is right, my body already makes that difficult enough so why does God allow my spirit to be crushed as well. I have a thorn, do I really need a snake bite as well? Do you intend on using me or not? I'm an architect without a pen; heck, I've even got the paper sitting right in front of me but nothing to draw with. If You wont give me a pen will You at least give me someone who can draw for me?

Stop shoving the paper in my face and stop giving me the vision if You wont provide the pen. I'll take any writing utensil at this point. I can't be surrounded by children who need to be loved, I can't have ideas on how to show them Your love, I can't imagine and dream anymore if You wont give me the tools to materialize those dreams. I'm tired and frustrated, I'm fighting the urge to be angry with You. Why did You make me like this? Any dream I've ever had and attempted has failed; the only one that has brought forth what seems to be any fruit at all is Cross Tuition. Yes, I know some things have been self seeking and in attempt to help my family but there has been no payoff, or at least non I have seen. Even Cross Tuition remains small and I've pored in the energy I've been capable of for 4 years now. I've sought You through the whole process and I've leaned on You in all areas of Cross Tuition and still, we are struggling to find support and grow.

My energy and ability to pour myself into Cross Tuition is less than it was a couple of years ago so what do You want from me? I know this is from You, I know You don't want me to give up, and I have no intention of doing so but could You please help? I don't care how just do something. I'm being honest and real with you God. You are my Father and I'm your daughter but I feel like you've forgotten me. Remember me. Remember I am dust and forgive my boldness with You. I am painfully aware that I can do no good if it's not from and through You. So, I'm asking You to remember my reality and do something. I feel despair sneaking in on me and I know that is not of You. Why am I under attack? Is this what glorifies You the most?

Does my pitiful self bring You the most glory? I wrestle within myself. My nature tells me to not care but my spirit burns within me to love. While my heart breaks for children my body tells me to focus on myself, to not be concerned for others. I feel like if I just give up and not care that this would be so much easier. You can't call me to love, provide the children to love, but then take away the ability to express that love.

If taring me down will bring You the most glory than tare away but please do not leave me there; remember me. I'm an architect without a pen, I even have the paper to draw on; perhaps I should focus on the art of origami instead. Is this what I must do first? Is there something different I must learn before I can draw? Then show me please. Remember me. 

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Noticeable Changes

Today is Tuesday June 5, 2012. I haven't written in a while and I really miss it.....just been a little distracted. The past week I have felt really good. Haven't had a week like that in a while. I woke up today not feeling very good though, my back and legs are hurting. Took me a while to actually get out of bed but obviously I finally did.

I think I know why I have been feeling so well. A couple of weeks ago I went to Sprouts for my grocery shopping. Purchased mostly gluten free and organic. Also, I got unrefined organic coconut oil to use on my body and face......yes, I'm using cooking oil as my moisturizer, and I'm using natural coconut shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. I love it! My hair, skin, and face has never felt and looked better. I don't use lotion at all now. Okay, so before you think I've lost it, do some research on the internet about coconut oil, it's pretty amazing stuff.

The past couple of weeks of eating mostly organic and gluten...oh yes, and dairy free foods, hasn't been totally easy, especially with my kids, but It's worth the struggle to reform their taste buds. I have felt so much better physically and have had more energy. I'm not going to pretend that I've stuck to it completely, but the little and simple changes I've made had done wonders for my least I think.

You see, there are all sorts of things that can affect the way I feel, physical and emotional stress, weather, sleep, and so on. The weather has been warmer and my stress level is down so I guess that could be why I feel so much better. Yesterday I went to Target with Ryan and the girls and it was so cold in there. I started feeling very achy while there and finally just decided we needed to leave. We took Jessie to her first t-ball practice and it was really cold there too. I don't know what happened to the nice warm day but the wind chill was no fun.

Left t-ball and we decided to not go grocery shopping because I was so achy and just wanted to go home and lay down under a heating blanket. So, was I feeling so well because it's been warm and then bad because it was so cold at Target and t-ball practice? Was it because I've been eating healthier, taking Omega 3, and avoiding foods that cause inflammation? Is my body that sensitive that just being in cold temperatures for a couple of hours can cause me to be so achy for at least a day? I guess time will tell. In either case, I've loved the past week!

I forgot to tell you in my last post.....I found a private school just around the corner from where we moved that is half the cost of the other schools we have looked at. My dad and step-mom said that they would help with the monthly cost so we went ahead and signed her up. She has a placement test on Friday and I'm nervous for her. I would feel absolutely horrible if she has to repeat 3rd grade. To think that I did that to her and made it so she would graduate late and start her career or whatever it might be a year really upsets me. I know I couldn't have foreseen the past year being so bad but still, I was responsible for her education.

I guess we're doing the right thing now by taking it out of my hands but at the same time I've been having feelings of guilt like I'm giving up on her and just getting rid of her for 6 hours a day. I hate that this feeling comes sneaking up on me; that is not at all what I'm doing but the enemy knows my self focused standards that I've tried to release and is trying to tare me down by  rubbing them in my face. At least I'm aware of it....I know that helps me to think about God's words and His thoughts towards me.

Another helpful thing I received at church this Sunday. We are going through a series called Families Fit for Blessing. It has been very educational. This past Sunday was about children's attitudes and response towards parents and parents' attitudes and response towards children. One main thing that hit home with me was this statement, "As a parent, you have been gifted with the understanding to know your child the very best, and you hold a unique place in their heart that only you hold."

I know that Emily needs more structure and discipline with school and I can't give that to her personally so I am doing good for her by giving her the opportunity to receive that structure and discipline. Also, just because I am no longer home schooling her as far as primary education goes, that doesn't mean I don't hold her heart and home school her in all other aspects of life. I can give her my non exhausted self before and after school.

I believe I will be able to treat her with more patience and loving kindness which will only boost her spiritually and emotionally. Also, I will be able to give Jessica more focused time which I know is necessary. I really am excited for this coming fall and I can't wait to see the positive changes within our household.

One last thing. I told you I would keep you updated on whether or not Cross Tuition reached its goal of $15,000 in donations. Cross Tuition has not received any donations since I originally told you about it. I'm bummed but I know it's all in God's hands and my goals aren't always aligned with His and I just have to accept that. Not saying He doesn't want donations to come in or that He can't do something awesome last minute, just saying that I wont stress about it.

Any way, to end things....the noticeable changes have not only been physical but mental/emotional as well. I look forward to the coming weeks and the continued changes God makes in my life. Thanks for walking with me on this journey and I'll be posting more often than I have been the last month.