Today is Thursday June 28, 2012. Having a hard time even finding the energy to write this. Past couple of weeks have not been good for me. I don't know what happened, I was doing so well. I feel as though my body is attacking itself. My muscles and my mind feel like they are degenerating. I feel so weak that the usual things are becoming difficult.
Folded laundry today and I felt like my arms were going to fall off...kinda like after a hard workout when your muscles are spent or when you've been sick a long time and you have no muscle strength. My legs aren't being kind either. I can hardly walk for a few minutes and I feel like I've just ran a marathon. Dropped a glass bowl while doing dishes today because I couldn't seem to get my fingers strong enough to grip it. Broke all over the kitchen floor and was in agony trying to sweep it up. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I have felt so under attack lately. You see, I'm a visionary, a dreamer, one who sees beyond her reality and believes she can accomplish more than she actually can......or so it seems so far in my life. I'm frustrated because I did not make myself this way, God did, and yet He seemed to forget to give me the ability to fulfill those visions or dreams. I am angry by this. I can't have ideas and not be able to go through with them any more.
I truly believe that the ideas I have are not self seeking. I feel that they are self sacrificing and supposed to be glorifying to God. Why isn't He helping me? I'm an architect without a pen. The vision is there but the capability is not. I want to minister to children, I feel called to love children but I have little to no support physically. I want my husband to support me in this, to be on board and encourage me but the Lord didn't bless my husband with the gift of encouragement.
I do not mean to "bash" my husband at all here, he is exactly what I need in so many ways, but when it comes to my visionary personality he is my balance. When my mind is in the clouds he brings me back to the hard, rough, dirty ground. He is probably my number one discourage-er in all things related to my "ideas". This causes me to feel defeated, as if the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue aren't enough.
Selfish, a word I've been hearing lately. How can the things I do for others, or the things I want to do for others that bring no benefit to me be selfish? This is when I realize I'm under attack. When things are said to me that make no since and are used to crush me and cause me to want to give up on what is right, I know I'm under attack. When I finally release myself from trying to be "supermom" because in reality it is only hurting my children and myself and I'm told that I'm selfish and every action I've taken to do or to fix the "damage" I've caused by trying to be "supermom" is all about me......I know I'm under attack.
I want to do what is right, my body already makes that difficult enough so why does God allow my spirit to be crushed as well. I have a thorn, do I really need a snake bite as well? Do you intend on using me or not? I'm an architect without a pen; heck, I've even got the paper sitting right in front of me but nothing to draw with. If You wont give me a pen will You at least give me someone who can draw for me?
Stop shoving the paper in my face and stop giving me the vision if You wont provide the pen. I'll take any writing utensil at this point. I can't be surrounded by children who need to be loved, I can't have ideas on how to show them Your love, I can't imagine and dream anymore if You wont give me the tools to materialize those dreams. I'm tired and frustrated, I'm fighting the urge to be angry with You. Why did You make me like this? Any dream I've ever had and attempted has failed; the only one that has brought forth what seems to be any fruit at all is Cross Tuition. Yes, I know some things have been self seeking and in attempt to help my family but there has been no payoff, or at least non I have seen. Even Cross Tuition remains small and I've pored in the energy I've been capable of for 4 years now. I've sought You through the whole process and I've leaned on You in all areas of Cross Tuition and still, we are struggling to find support and grow.
My energy and ability to pour myself into Cross Tuition is less than it was a couple of years ago so what do You want from me? I know this is from You, I know You don't want me to give up, and I have no intention of doing so but could You please help? I don't care how just do something. I'm being honest and real with you God. You are my Father and I'm your daughter but I feel like you've forgotten me. Remember me. Remember I am dust and forgive my boldness with You. I am painfully aware that I can do no good if it's not from and through You. So, I'm asking You to remember my reality and do something. I feel despair sneaking in on me and I know that is not of You. Why am I under attack? Is this what glorifies You the most?
Does my pitiful self bring You the most glory? I wrestle within myself. My nature tells me to not care but my spirit burns within me to love. While my heart breaks for children my body tells me to focus on myself, to not be concerned for others. I feel like if I just give up and not care that this would be so much easier. You can't call me to love, provide the children to love, but then take away the ability to express that love.
If taring me down will bring You the most glory than tare away but please do not leave me there; remember me. I'm an architect without a pen, I even have the paper to draw on; perhaps I should focus on the art of origami instead. Is this what I must do first? Is there something different I must learn before I can draw? Then show me please. Remember me.