Tonight is Thursday April 26 2012. Had a really good day today. I woke up feeling much better than I have in a while. Took some time to myself while Ryan (husband) took care of the girls. It was pretty short lived but well needed and rather relaxing.
I wanted to write last night but I was too exhausted to even think; got a good nights sleep instead. So, even though I felt so much better today, I can't help but to feel that "feeling so much better" isn't saying much when I consider how I used to feel.
Once a vibrant, outgoing, active, fun, and free-spirited person is now a slow, tired, achy, drained, and cranky person. I used to have fun and be fun. I played sports and worked out. I had dreams and goals. I could do anything if I put my mind to it. I felt "in control" and capable. I cleaned house, took care of two kids and played with them, I was patient and kind, made three meals a day, and was attentive to my friends and family. Slowly, this all began to fade away.
I'm not quite sure when I started noticing a change but I think it was in 2007 after I had my youngest daughter. I began having a lot of joint pain which I thought was probably arthritis. My husband used to joke that I would one day need so many replacements that I would be a bionic woman. In 2009 I began getting really exhausted during the day and by the end of the year I was having to lay down and sleep under a heating blanket everyday because I would all of a sudden feel like a 85 year old lady with the flu. At this point I knew something was wrong.
It seemed like someone had been slowly taking over my body. I began doing research but felt too embarrassed to go to the doctor and explain what was happening. I was scared they would tell me it was all in my head and I was just being a wimp. I started becoming more vocal about how I was feeling and the weird pains I would get. You see, I always thought that everyone felt those same pains but when they got worse I spoke up. Soon I realized that they weren't normal and something was really wrong. After an extensive blood test came back really good I sat in my car and cried. Crazy huh? Well, I had no answers but the symptoms remained. My mom was actually praising God for healthy results while I was crying from frustration.
After more doctor visits I was finally diagnosed. It was a relief to find out that I wasn't nuts. I was being validated and could finally begin treating the problem. I felt so much better for a few months, like I was coming back alive, then my fatigue hit me like a bat to the head. I found something that brought me back from that too and it was wonderful to have manageable pain and energy. Not too long after that my body just seem to shut down. Full invasion had occurred. Where did my body go? Yes, the appearance was a mix of my fault and those wonderful child bearing months, but the pain, the exhaustion over nothing, when did this become me?
I have not yet accepted this "new me" because it isn't me! I want myself back so bad. This invasion is not welcomed by myself, my husband, my kids, or any other family member. While it is being tolerated by some I will not have it any longer! I'm DONE! Move out and stay out! I'm fighting this invasion, this leach that is sucking the life out of me. I'm kicking, I'm screaming, I'm begging, and I'm battling but at the end of the day I loose. I lie in bed at night dreading the fact that I will do it all over again the next day. I wake up not wanting to even move from my position because the moment I do I stir awake my invader and am reminded so suddenly of it's ever present nagging of my body.
I give up! And then I don't. Then I do! Then I don't. THIS ISN'T ME!!! Stubborn me would defeat this and I would continue doing everything I ever wanted to do. I wouldn't be writing this blog practically throwing up all my problems to the world. You would not see this vulnerable, pitiful, and broken Natalie. That is not who I am! I'm proud, strong, outspoken, and ready to take on the world supper-mom. Perhaps I'm being stripped of these things for a reason.
I once explained to my daughter, when we had to move into my dad's house, that sometimes when we build the wrong kind of "stuff" in our lives, God tares it down and rebuilds the right "stuff". We may loose it all in order to gain it all. Yes, the loosing hurts but the gaining is well worth the pain. I told her that it's just like when someone works out, they have to tare down the muscle in order for it to build up stronger. Even though the taring down of the muscle hurts, the gain is well worth it.
Is this what is happening to me emotionally and physically? Am I completely loosing myself in order to find the self God truly wants for me? I'm still here, deep inside my personality and strengths still remain trying to fight their way out. Perhaps this fight has done some tweaking to those traits. Perhaps when I come back, and oh YES I WILL COME BACK, I'll remain vulnerable and broken but strong and ready....perhaps.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Who is my true invader? Is it this disease or is it God?