Tonight is Wednesday April 18 2012 and I am Achy! My legs are so irritating and I'm just frustrated that they hurt for no reason. I mean, couldn't I have done some awesome workout or long hike that's going to tone them up and strengthen them to account for the pain? No? They're just gonna hurt for the heck of it? That is so dumb.
Having a hard time with my memory the past week. My husband is actually my calender right now; what a twisted turn of events in our marriage, I was always the "event reminder". I guess it's called Fibro fog. It's like my mind is so overloaded that it just kinda shuts down. I've had way more on my plate before but for some reason I just can't seem to remember the things I need to do or plans that I have; weird.
Felt really overwhelmed today with home school. I considered giving up on home schooling so much that I actually did research on private schools in the area. Well, unless God decides to blow us away with money, money, money, we wont be sending Emily to private school this fall. Have a very hide time considering public school at all. I don't know exactly what it is but it just feels like I'm not supposed to go down that path right now. I think this would be a good place for God to bring me an "Aaron". Home schooling Emily seems to be one of the biggest stress causing factors in my life right now and I just don't have the energy to do it any more.
It saddens and frustrates me that I feel this way right now because I'm not a failure and I only have so many years to give to my children all of me before my influence is no longer so powerful. I'm scared to let go of this one. I feel like a selfish failure for even thinking of not home schooling her. When I told my husband my thoughts it was pretty clear to me that he felt I need to stick it out. He is not being mean, he loves his children so much and we are both like minded when it comes to why we home school, this is why it kills me that I have come to the point of wanting to quit. Are my selfish desires to be free of this stress greater than my desire to influence and impact my children in a way that blesses them? As I write these words I feel shame and I cry.
Has this disease broken my spirit? Oh Lord, where is my "Aaron"? Will You not grant one to me in this time of weakness? Is it my husband who will not allow me to quit? I need more Lord, I need not only the one who can "speak" for me but one who can hold the "staff" as well. Will these "waters" remain as my "enemy" approaches? Will You not part this "sea" so that I may cross on the safety of "dry land"? What do You want from me Father? Are You calling me to step out "on the water" while keeping my eyes on You? My vision is blurred by tears of self pity; please bring forth Your mighty wind that they may dry my eyes so I can see You more clearly, for if You don't I will surely sink. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth. Help me Father, please.
On the way home today from AWANA, Emily was talking to me about the possibility that I might stop home schooling her. She was a bit frustrated that she had to learn or do school any way. She asked me, "Mom, why doesn't God just snap His fingers and make it so everyone knows everything and they don't have to go to school?" Great question! Why doesn't He just snap His fingers and.......? You fill in the blank.
I responded with "why doesn't God just snap His fingers and take away my fibromyalgia?" "Why doesn't He?" She asked. Maybe this is why I have fibro, so that in my time of pain I could explain humanity's choice to sin and the spiritual, emotional, and physical results of that choice even if that physical result doesn't directly relate to a particular sin of one's own. We got into why God allows us the choice to love Him instead of forcing it on us so there would be no sin. This really got to her because she couldn't understand why God would "plan" for us to sin. I explained that it wasn't His perfect plan for us to sin but that even though He knew before the creation of the world that we would sin and Jesus would have to bare the unbearable, He loved her too much to not go through with it. He had to create Emily because He already loved her too much not to. He loved you too much and me too much. Perhaps I simply have fibromyalgia so I could be reminded of this. Perhaps the conversation was for me too?
He baffles me so. I can't get beyond nor can I hide from His love for me. I am a whining, sinful, ungrateful piece of dust that He just can't help but to love. They say that love is blind, well my God is love and it certainly must be blinding Him of my humanity. Keep baffling me Lord so that I may hide IN Your love.
He just snapped His fingers and made me any way.