Tonight is Wednesday April 18 2012 and I am Achy! My legs are so irritating and I'm just frustrated that they hurt for no reason. I mean, couldn't I have done some awesome workout or long hike that's going to tone them up and strengthen them to account for the pain? No? They're just gonna hurt for the heck of it? That is so dumb.
Having a hard time with my memory the past week. My husband is actually my calender right now; what a twisted turn of events in our marriage, I was always the "event reminder". I guess it's called Fibro fog. It's like my mind is so overloaded that it just kinda shuts down. I've had way more on my plate before but for some reason I just can't seem to remember the things I need to do or plans that I have; weird.
Felt really overwhelmed today with home school. I considered giving up on home schooling so much that I actually did research on private schools in the area. Well, unless God decides to blow us away with money, money, money, we wont be sending Emily to private school this fall. Have a very hide time considering public school at all. I don't know exactly what it is but it just feels like I'm not supposed to go down that path right now. I think this would be a good place for God to bring me an "Aaron". Home schooling Emily seems to be one of the biggest stress causing factors in my life right now and I just don't have the energy to do it any more.
It saddens and frustrates me that I feel this way right now because I'm not a failure and I only have so many years to give to my children all of me before my influence is no longer so powerful. I'm scared to let go of this one. I feel like a selfish failure for even thinking of not home schooling her. When I told my husband my thoughts it was pretty clear to me that he felt I need to stick it out. He is not being mean, he loves his children so much and we are both like minded when it comes to why we home school, this is why it kills me that I have come to the point of wanting to quit. Are my selfish desires to be free of this stress greater than my desire to influence and impact my children in a way that blesses them? As I write these words I feel shame and I cry.
Has this disease broken my spirit? Oh Lord, where is my "Aaron"? Will You not grant one to me in this time of weakness? Is it my husband who will not allow me to quit? I need more Lord, I need not only the one who can "speak" for me but one who can hold the "staff" as well. Will these "waters" remain as my "enemy" approaches? Will You not part this "sea" so that I may cross on the safety of "dry land"? What do You want from me Father? Are You calling me to step out "on the water" while keeping my eyes on You? My vision is blurred by tears of self pity; please bring forth Your mighty wind that they may dry my eyes so I can see You more clearly, for if You don't I will surely sink. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth. Help me Father, please.
On the way home today from AWANA, Emily was talking to me about the possibility that I might stop home schooling her. She was a bit frustrated that she had to learn or do school any way. She asked me, "Mom, why doesn't God just snap His fingers and make it so everyone knows everything and they don't have to go to school?" Great question! Why doesn't He just snap His fingers and.......? You fill in the blank.
I responded with "why doesn't God just snap His fingers and take away my fibromyalgia?" "Why doesn't He?" She asked. Maybe this is why I have fibro, so that in my time of pain I could explain humanity's choice to sin and the spiritual, emotional, and physical results of that choice even if that physical result doesn't directly relate to a particular sin of one's own. We got into why God allows us the choice to love Him instead of forcing it on us so there would be no sin. This really got to her because she couldn't understand why God would "plan" for us to sin. I explained that it wasn't His perfect plan for us to sin but that even though He knew before the creation of the world that we would sin and Jesus would have to bare the unbearable, He loved her too much to not go through with it. He had to create Emily because He already loved her too much not to. He loved you too much and me too much. Perhaps I simply have fibromyalgia so I could be reminded of this. Perhaps the conversation was for me too?
He baffles me so. I can't get beyond nor can I hide from His love for me. I am a whining, sinful, ungrateful piece of dust that He just can't help but to love. They say that love is blind, well my God is love and it certainly must be blinding Him of my humanity. Keep baffling me Lord so that I may hide IN Your love.
He just snapped His fingers and made me any way.
Natalie I totally love you and respect you... I wish the best for you and your family!!!! You wrote this sooo beautifully.... You have honest thoughts about the circumstances that are shaping you... There are ways to see through this. I know you as a strong and sometimes, a stubborn person, when it comes to your beliefs. Stay strong! I remember growing up and philosophizing with you on christianity and evolution... I am awake and I believe. I believe you are a strong person. Remember that you are fearfully and wonderfully made... Are you able to take medicine with pain relievers..? If you are~then take it... See yourself through it...I want you to meet my son!!! I have been meaning to take him to Awana at your church... Something I experienced with you growing up and I want to share it with my son. I love you lots! My thoughts and prayers are sent your way! Take care and I hope to see you soon... xox~Laura :)
ReplyDeleteLaura, I cried when I read this. I'm so excited that you believe! I prayed for years that you would believe. What a blessing that you quoted scripture to me and are praying for me. I would love to meet your son and I will see you soon.
DeleteHow fun to see Laura's reply. So many fond memories of you Laura.
ReplyDeleteNatalie, I was thinking...as I was reading your latest blog and of course being the mom and always trying to advise or fix her children's issues I want you to know that I also "hear you". I am very aware that I don't know everything you are feeling or emotionally going through, but know that I love you and care for you from the depths of my innermost being. I am actually sobbing as I write this as your story can be overwhelming. I also know that as I read your profile that you have soooo much going on in your life and I really feel that God is putting on my heart some thoughts...stop! Stop and focus on one thing at a time...what is most important right now...or course learning to deal with the illness...possibly pain management classes or support groups...and your decision about homeschooling. If I had my way and I know how much this means to you I would say to focus on ways to feel better and homeschooling Emily and Jessica. Follow through with this as long as you can and I will pray for God's strength for you. For some reason the song, Only A God Like You, keeps repeating in my head. We are so blessed to have a creator who loves us and cares about us more than we can even fathom. Be good to yourself. I love you, Mom
p.s. oh, I was thinking about Ryan...not so sure he has to research your illness, he is living with it. I know that isn't helpful. I am praying for him too and my precious, wonderful grandchildren.
Thanks mom, I have a lot to pray about.
DeleteI don't have kids so I won't weigh in on the subject of homeschooling, but I pray that whatever decision you come to, you will be at peace with it. I just want to point out that when a woman battling cancer or MS has to give up on certain aspects of her life, society doesn't look down on her or think of her as selfish. She has a disease and is only able to do what she can physically handle. Remember that your disease is legitimate and very real. Cut yourself some slack. You are only human. - Breanna
ReplyDeleteBreanna, I really appreciate the things you say to me. You don't judge me and that makes me feel like It's okay to be me. You're right, I need to cut myself some slack.
DeleteHi sweet one,
ReplyDeleteOh how I understand your fears and frustrations, especially in the area of home school and illness! May I challenge you to spend some focused time studying Philippians? I just finished teaching a study on it, and even though I've loved that book for over 20 yrs, God opened my eyes to many new truths that I had overlooked. It's a wonderful book to encourage you in trials. Read up on Paul's circumstances when he was writing it. He suffered so much, but did it with joy and unshakeable confidence. Other Scripture for you: Romans 5:3, Habakkuk 3, Hebrews 2:10, and camp out in the Psalms as well.
Take care! God is good all the time, and what He gives us (even suffering) is good.
Ann
I will certainly read those. I could always use more time in the Word. Thanks Ann!
Delete"God often lets problems become impossibilities. The disciples planned to follow Jesus. They thought he was the Messiah, but then the next thing they know Jesus is hanging on the cross, dying. Was this a dead end for the disciples? For three days it seemed that way, but then Jesus walked out of the tomb. When you face a dead end, you may start asking, "What’s going on, God? Did I miss your will? Your plan? Have I missed your vision?" Keep in mind that dead ends are part of God’s plan for you. What’s the best response to a dead end? "He has delivered us from such a terrible death, and He will deliver us. We have put our hope in Him that He will deliver us again" (2 Corinthians 1:10 HCSB). "At that time we were completely overwhelmed, the burden was more than we could bear, in fact we told ourselves that this was the end. Yet we believe now that we had this experience of coming to the end of our tether that we might learn to trust, not in ourselves, but in God who can raise the dead." (2 Corinthians 1:8b-9 PH)" ~ Rick Warren...Thought this was really good....love you missy and "hear you too."...Joy
ReplyDeleteLike · .
4 people like this..
Lisa Wright Needed this today. Thanks.
11 hours ago · Like.
Thank you Joy. I love you too!
ReplyDelete